I stumbled upon all my diaries while organizing all the stuff which is spilling out of my wadrobe. Messy girl, I am.

And I just realised a similar emotional pattern that stuck with me for close to 6 years already. You can read about me complaining about everything under the sun. While I remain to be sceptical and having a pessimistic outlook on everything that happened, my life whizzed past me, too fast for me to savour any of it for its true essence.

And so, I deliberately traced back to the time where it all began. It became hard and painful reliving all of my past again but I knew that it was important for me to see what exactly the true problem is and start afresh. And it all went back to when I was all but a young pre-teen where the biggest revelation of my life happened. It was my revelation, not yours so you dun need to know. And from then on, it had been the same way over and over again.

And so I, from a third party's point of view, traced back to where it stopped. And it was when I stopped hoping but still I was not happy. So I continued tracing back to when I became truly satisfied with my surrounding and imagine my suprise when it was when I met Regan. I knew that meeting him was one of the best things that have happened so far but never did I realise that it made such a big impact till now. And weirdly, from then on, I stopped writing in diaries.(A habit that started from K1!) I did not have the need to. I have someone there always listening and talking to me.

I told this to Syarifah that day that even while being with him, I feel single. I keep feeling like I am at the point where I am just beginning to get to know him and when I feel excited, my palms start sweating and I blush like a babboon's bottom. And it has been almost 1 year plus. (Who's counting). And it still feels like a novelty still yet being with him feels normal, second nature. How am I going to explain it, I don't know.

But, I tell ya, I am loving this.

I feel blessed. Really. Because at this stage of my life, after not knowing my mum and dealing with her psycho-ness, now, she feels comfortable smoking in front of me and we will talk like sisters. But that is only if my dad is not around. Twisted, this family, i tell ya.

And also, though me and the girls rarely meet due to school and stuff, we can still talk on the phone for ages just yapping our heads off and I feel safe talking to them since they know what I am trying to say without me elaborating on it. Even school's effing fun with my class and Nat(whom I am beginning to adore,really). I do not know what else there is to complain about.
Other than cash and even now, I am not that tight anymore.

I am gonna savour this moment now.