After talking to him and laughing and blushing incessantly, he shot my heart(he claimed he loved darts, i mean, dun throw it at me!) by saying that he actually is this guy.

............................................................!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

How would you have reacted??

Would you have like me, just ignore and tell him not to call again? Or woul you have told him that looks dun matter and you really want to get to know him, warts and all. I choose the former.

Go ahead and laugh. But I know there are mountains to climb and crocodile-infested rivers i have to swim across to find my Mr Right. And i am not giving up just yet. But a few more crocodiles like this would truly dampen my trust in net dating.*Sigh.

Anyway, the topic that i am going to talk about today is quite the interesting shit, ya know.

My father, before he passed away, said this,

"When you have money, spend!"

(No wonder!!)

He also said this, which is more relevant,

"In life, you have to try everything once"

My father was very open-minded, i was too young to remember but all my brothers and sisters said they admired the man, who held the poise and heck care attitude everybody felt comfortable with. Something i see so much in my brother.

So, i tried do this show. This dance gig.

All i did was dance like less vigorously and less as slutty as how me and shyanne and sha dances. *hehe..we rock.Around two songs and then intervals that straches to one whole hour with nothing to do but play with the straightening iron and smoke. All in all, we danced six songs.

Life Of A Show Girl

Our role was not as colourful as the show girls that had to adorn assortments of beautiful costumes, some revealing, some very normal, on their flawless and waif-like bodies. With a lil education, they could even be considered for some serious modelling career. They beat all the girls I have met in Singapore hands down. No questions asked.

Their shame thinned by the drudgery of doing this for five years, the minimum. But, rather, i see no shame in being the showgirls. Actually, i have seen more raunchy and daring behaviour being showcased in clubs for free. The most suprising thing is that, i thought that at least one of them would go home with a customer to indulge in more dough by servicing something special but all of them started wearing jackets and jeans and took cabs home. I found out all of them are mothers and happily married.

The experience i had totally changed the image i had of showgirls. I see much more modesty which added to the sexuality of these girls rather than some Malay girls who disgustingly show their pink vagina half-sticking out from their leopard print g-string caused by dancing high up the bar in a skirt, that would be raised up all the way to the chest. Come on, man.

It is true, you have to try everything once. As long as you got a strong head on your shoulders, no matter what people say does not matter. Instead, if you are lucky, you might even hear a hint of the green-eyed monster in them.

Even if my father said something like that, there are certain things that you do that totally ruins you and would never allow your life to be the same ever again. Like getting pregnant, yadaa yadaa. There are some boundaries i would not cross. A good example would be, there would be a wet dance in Momo on valentine's day where the girls would be wearing nothing but a white shirt and skirt, with nothing inside and would be drenced throughout the show. Some people say go, "It's just breasts!", eventually, it is a popular club and it is not just my breasts, it is also my pride and that is when what people say matter. I find it too wrong to do. Like what Hani said, "You are not just representing yourself but everyone that loves you who would not want you there, showing your ninnies"

(The speech has been altered to suit my style.)

Eventually, it boils down to taking care of yourself and that inner voice that is so important, especially the female whose sixth sense is sharper and less likely to be wrong.

Peace. Girl power.

Saturday, February 11, 2006

Horoscope for today,

"Your feelings couldn't be stronger than they are right now for a certain someone. You need to express these feelings so that everyone involved understands"

If you must know, i subscribe to daily horoscope that will arrive on my phone everyday at 11.30am. Sometimes, it is spot on, sometimes it just doesn't make sense. Like what you just read, i dun think it applies at all. Who are they( assuming that this is not just another game where they just put pieces of paper with quotes on them and pick them out from the fishbowl) talking about? Cannot be Narin since this is the most emotionally detached from him before and it feels pretty darn good. Noting the fact that he is on a vacation to KL with michelle now, maybe fucking right this moment. I have accepted the fact that i am going to let him go as he is one of the most toxic thing that is influencing me right now. Amen.

Well, something irritating happened to me. Ok, this guy named 'Ajit' tried to get to know me from Friendster. Then we started talking on msn. After msn-ing numerous times, we finally exchanged numbers. We started talking on the phone and he asked me out on V-day. I said okay, i mean, like, what is the harm? He seemed nice, quite attractive, nervous though but nevertheless, cute. I have had enough of people who treats me badly so once in a while, indulging in a guy's sincere attention could be nice.

Then, he asked me something rather strange,
"Is looks important to you?"

I said," Yes, it is. I dun expect a Giorgio Armani model but attraction is important to me."

He grew silent.

That was when i started to get suspicious about him.

Images of news about '50 year old's posing as young eligible men, trying to get to know innocent 13 year old girls flashed through my mind. Eventhough innocent is by far the most unlikely word i am ever going to call myself and most 50 year olds dun even know how to use the computers. Still,i got scared and paranoid.

Then he told me in a sullen and suddenly serious voice that he had something important to tell me but he cannot tell me on the phone. I took it that he had no balls to do that and even if he did, it would be the size of a 'kacang rebus'. He told me to go to my friendster inbox as he had left me a message explaining what he has to say. So, 'happy ol' me' went to check and there it was, he gave his real pic. Sigh, i dun understand why he had to lie. Ok, i kinda do. I hate getting to know people on the net. He was a 40-ish Indian guy who looks like one of my stepfather's friend. I would show you his pic but it would be, i dun know,.. mean.

Argh, i am mean anyway so whoever wants to see, pls tag me.

This week have released a lot of burden for me. My embezzlement case is dropped. I paid it already yesterday. I walked into FLUID with the imagination that they see me as a bald ex-confict, dressed in stripes taking very slow strides towards the office with my head hung in shame. But to my amazement, they still greet me with the same enthusiasm as before i even tried to CHEAT their company. I started to visibly relax and went to lunch with Farhan who was having his break. Being the gentlemen that he was. i did not have to fork out a single cent which "unemployed me" appreciated. Then we went to Beer Cellar and had some drinks to celebrate our reunion after a very long time.

Me and Farhan share a very deep bond that existed due to the close proximity as work colleagues but till now, i have this sense of comfort whenever we talk. The comfort where it would just be weird to think of our relationship as anything but friendship.

After FLUID, went to meet Hani but not before accidentally bumping into Ayeesha and Nys, who i thought was supposed to be in town. Apparently, the plans changed. So, met Hani and Bib. Played some pool, had some deep talks, shared some tears, namely bib's tears(dun worry gerl, u optimistic piece of sunshine would get pass anything) and started walking to As-Salihin, met my brother. Actually, the real reason for waiting for him is not because of the fact that i wanted to slack with him or any of his obnoxious friends who made fun of a fat girl for 1 whole hour, much to the agitation of my brother who hates this kind of jokes that are over-the-top critism.The reason i was even there is because taking the bike would mean faster transportation back home. Even though some of their jokes did cause bubbles of mirth to escape here and there, it soon got stale so me and my brother made our way home, marking the end of yet another day.

Today, which is a Sat, however, held many promises of a fun weekend.Flora called today for another dance gig in this place near Bugis. Which means, i am going to have cash! Finally...
After which my cousin invited me and my brother to this place near FLUID for a private function and then proceeding to Desire, perhaps. I think i am going to skip the private function, in favour of the dance gig. This was so not the plan for today, actually. It was supposed to be going to double O as Zack(the guy that me and sha made friends with) was having a farewell party before going away to Aust again and also as one of his friends was having a birthday party.
But well, i'd rather make some dough.

Oh well, will get back to ya guys soon aite. Oh ya, tell me if you want to see the guy!

Wednesday, February 8, 2006

And soo... Here i am again. In the cybercafe.
The kid just called the owner of the shop,"son Of a Bitch" and the bloody owner is smiling. I mean, like, of all the audacities in this world, a 8 year old kid is calling a 35 year old man a son of a bitch which means that he is actually scolding the mother of the guy who could either be dead or very very old. Both ways, i dun think the mother is going to be very pleased to be called a bitch. Unless.. the son agrees that the mother was a bitch. Anyway you look at it, seems wrong. GGRRR..stupid kid.

Anyway, the manager of indochine called me early in the morning and asked for my bloody cup size, i mean, like, why the hellofafuck should he even be enlightened about the bloody size of my melons? And saying stuff like, i think i can see through your phone that u are sleeping naked just does not tempt me to even TRY to get to know you. If you just want to jump my bones, then get in line and wait long long.

Ok.. so, my brother got a job. Haiz, and then i get stuck as the daughter that is supposed to just clean the house and then wait for my parents to go back home. Oh my gosh, i will be a maid soon......unless, i get another job. yes.. oh ya, that was what i was here for. I went down to buy Classified but the pull of the internet was just too strong and here i am, listening to mothers being demoralized.

well, gotta try find a job now and also, someone cute on the way.

Speaking of someone cute, met this guy, he was Rajiv's friend and finally i gathered up all my lost courage and flirted with him only to discover that he is attached. SO boring!

Anyway, my brother is challenging me to ignore Narin for one month. That fucker is going on a holiday with michelle again to KL! Like, helo!! you have a girlfriend, not that i treat him like a bf but still!!

Whatever, the challenge is there. Up the bugger, joo! Whatever that means.

K, bye.

Monday, February 6, 2006

My house is haunted, i swear. I think that before i started occupying the room, there were jinns in there, you know, the ones that are like humans, if you are muslim, you would know what i am talking about.

I keep having dreams in a dream. But yesterday night, i had the most frightening 19 dreams in a dream. It was not pretty ok, all 19 of them. It was full of old ladies in white praying for me while my mother spreads holy water on my face with a blank look on her face. The old lady smiling creepily at me, me trying to run and go to my brother's room only to discover a man materialising in front of me as he cut my hand and his too only to prove that he is human after all,(psst.. humans dun materialise, do they?), the mark that is still there, my hair curling back( that counts as a nightmare, ok), me kicking my friend's faces, me sliding off the bed, breaking out in a sweat, the dreams go on and on and only stopped when my mother's alram clock rings at 4 am. It was only then that i felt a sense of lightness take over me like someone getting off my body, only then did my racing heartbeat started pounding normally again, it was only then that i cud speak and move. Only then did my frightening two hours dream ends. I hope this does not happen every night. I need a dream interpreter or i need a prayer in the room. Surah Yasin or something. All throughout the 19 dreams, i was praying but as usual, all my pronounciation were wrong, i cud not nail it. I need to start mengaji, i think. Dun laugh.Phew.

Anyway, i think i am slacking way too much for my liking already. I finally stopped procrastinating and posted my application for Business management course in nanyang poly. My second choice is Marketing. Not only because i like it but only because my brother says, "marketing girls are hot!" I am hot...*

After talking to Aravin yest and realising that the people who took their o levels last year are getting their results this fri, i panicked!This FRIDAY!!! That's super duper fast!! I mean like, thank god my grades are pretty good*hehe* or else the rat race would be even worse.

Talked to him about Valentine's day too. K, for all you ladies out there, there is a very pretty gift by Citigems, that includes a bouquet of flowers and a pretty lil diamond necklace for only $128. I told my brother to get it for his gf. She better thank me for it.It is beautiful. *sigh.I would show it to you but i cannot find the picture.

I cannot wait to start studying again. The whole homework thing, projects, asking people, "eh, you do already?" I mean, i dun know if poly people do that but both secondary school people and JC people do that.*reminsces....

I am going to list the things i want and have to do to keep my priorities straight.

Wants:

* Ipod nano.

*My computer to be okay again.

*decorations in my room.

* my digicam to be okay again.

*more bags.

*more clothes.Seriously!

*new shoes.

Have to do:

*clear my debts.

*Get a hobby

*get a job

*start working out again

*Time management

*money management

That's all i can think for now.

Wish me good luck.

Sunday, February 5, 2006

I am sorry,Sha.

O bar was disastrous. I got damn high. I think it was the Amsterdam. I am never ever ever going to ever take Amsterdam again in my entire life. I can't believe that i left Sha alone there. My mind was like buzzing like fuck. All i wanted is to go home and sleep.Fuck siak. I cud not even think straight.

I have never done anything like that before.And it didn't help that even Narin was damn worried. Got reprimanded again by my brother. I am never going to ever do that again.

Well, life is just ok right now.

My brother thinks that i have too much negativity in me that is so unnecessary.
I am like so drowning in debt.

Got an interview tomorrow. All i need is to start working agian and everything will be fine.
Wish me luck.

Saturday, February 4, 2006

I just realised how fucking lucky i am.

Despite all the bullshit that has happened to me, i am so fucking lucky.

K, let's talk about relationship-wise ok? I dun even know if i should even call it a fucking relationship. After saying all those things like, "i am not worth it", just for him to get out of my life, he is still sticking on and asking me things like,
'why dun you even wanna try with me?'.
I really dun know what to say to that. I dun know why i dun wanna try with him eventhough now, he treats me really well and that he really really wants to give this a shot.Despite the fact that when i am in his arms, i feel so happy, when i am with him, i just feel that i belong. Really. What the hell am i complaining about. I just realised that the problem is with me, i told him that and he asked me whether my heart is even capable of feeling. I thought i told him already that i am rather stone-hearted in a sense that i cannot take all these feelings and emotions seriously. I do not allow people and feelings to get close to me easily. You can try your best to hurt me but it is really very difficult.And he just said that it is okay because stone-hearted people like me match very well with people who are stubborn like him.I mean like, he takes all the bad things that i am flaunting and says it in such a way that it works for him. And suddenly, i feel myself feeling for him again. The difference between the feelings i have for him and he for me is that he is taking it much more seriously than me. Whatever, i dun have the time and patience to go through this. If he still dun want to take all my warnings seriously, then it is not my fault if he is to get hurt in the future. I won't lie to myself. I do like him but i like myself better. He asked me whether there is a person inside of me who can actually love. And i thought about the time i really loved Rajiv, the one i gave my everything to. The one that i really had faith in. Looking at everyone around me, i just think that realtionships are a waste of time as the feelings would die off sooner or later. That's the cynic in me talking.Maybe one day, i would love someone as selflessly as i did with Rajiv again. Maybe even soon. But dun hold your breath.

Dr Wong just called me just now. Said the tests results are out. I dun know, maybe it is just me but the fucking nurse said it in a freaking ominous voice, would it have hurt to say it while
smiling? I can only go and collect it on Monday. Fingers crossed.

Well, i have a story that is like so my highlight right now. If you all must know, i am involved in an embezzlement case right now. I have like until Mon to pay 400 bucks to FLUID.Or else, i am going to have an embezzlement record. So cool,like tycoon, but it would mean bad news later in the future. Thank god, it is only 400. Well,talked to my mum about it and she said that she will help only if i start changing this lazy lifestyle of mine. And that i cannot work anymore. Yeah right! i am going to fucking work, i am so not going to stay at home and go out with just my mum's money like a spoilt brat.I wonder why i keep getting myself into trouble. Well, i am really starting to hate 2006. Well, february better have better plans for me.

I am like so broke siah now. Damn! Sorry to whoever who is paying for me to go out right now. Feel so lame. Haiz. Well, dun worry, once i have the cash, i will make sure we party our asses off. My treat.

Went to indochine with shyanne and Sha the other day. Finally met the Zack we have all been hearing about. No wonder, you r crazy about him.

Stolen from shy's blog*(sorry):

I like cherries.Fed cherries, mind you.


Kway tiao good for the soul and that thing shy wouldn't eat.
Yummy!


He likes me, he really likes me.
Oh yeah, and it is not as sweet as you say,Shy.

Going to Devil's/O bar/Phunk today. With sha, Munirah and Lili(i dun know them yet). I just wanna party my ass off. Maybe asking Vila along, she said she wanted to come anyway.So let's party girls.Life's too short anyway. O bar reminds me of Ab. Sigh, that fucker! Something bad happened. Hope he dies.

Digressing again siah. Oh yeah, i would like to take this opportunity to wish my darling bib a HAppy EIGHTEEN b'day! Not fair, i want to be 18!!! Cibai kiak. Anyway,

Happy birthday my koochie poo. muax.

Tomorrow we go Sentosa k?

I want my digicam.*sob!

Wednesday, February 1, 2006

Ya right, and i really thought that i would get my results the next day, fat hope! It is a bloody long wait to get the results back.

But, instead of waiting and worrying, i am just gonna continue like nothing is happening. So there! Sometimes i even forget and i go like, "what results?" when my brother ask me about it.

Narin is still irritating the shit out of me untill i just directed this to him," LEAVE ME ALONE!"
Like how hard can it be to understand that? i mean, it would be impossible for him to turn around and go like, i didn't understand what you just said but then again, knowing him, i think he might just say that. Stupid individual. Note: i did not swear at him.

Eversince i got ill and jobless, my bones seem to be more and more heavier, like it is so hard for me to do anything anymore. Even going out of the house.

Maybe it is because of the fact that i am broke. When you are broke, you dun feel like doing anything. You can't buy whatever you see. YOU CAN'T CLUB! All you can do is pray that a million dollars would just appear in a box somewhere in Yishun to say sorry for always putting bombs here.

I need some romance. Like real, i-want-you- and- i- dun-mind-showing-u, that kind of romance.

I need a change. I need to be me again. I need to smile and still have that spark that says Zulaikha, i lost that. I hope it comes back.

I know that i sound like one of those idiots who sound like all they need is something better and greater to come along but dun do anything about it. But maybe, it is really simple, all i need to so is get involved in something. Anything.
K, fine, I GOT IT! all i need to do is get a job.
Somebody got recommendations?

Bib's birthday is coming. What to do?Sentosa again guys?