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Wednesday, June 28, 2006

In Wilson Chay's class now.

I am bored. My skin is peeling off badly. I cannot use tubetobs anytime soon.
I am ugly. I got to wake up a lil bit more.

I used to be able to extract myself out and in again from soilutude whenever i want but i realise that i cannot do that anymore when my actions matter to someone else. Right now, i feel that i still cannot face the world because i feel down about myself. But i still have to. Oh well. Might as well do something.

I am desperate about my hair.

DeSPeratE!!!

Deranged half rebonded hair girl.

I guess i will be sticking with this for a while because of a few reasons.

Firstly,
i get bored thinking of what to write because i want the beauty of what i write to match the blogskin. Since, this ain't anything to boast about, i could write all the nonsense i want here and no one can go like,"Ceh, blog so nice then talk about rubbish!' Not that anyone's said that, but hey.

Secondly,
since my computer's mouse have decided to go on a strike,ala the students in India, i do not really need skins that needs much navigation so that i can do everything using the 'tab' key.

Thirdly,
my digicam is still out so i guess it would stay pretty bland and colourless for awhile.

Anyway, got my ass to school today. Blardie goondu. Thought it was a freaking Tuesday and bought all the stuff for Management and Microeconomics which we are not doing today. Oh, well, was awake in Business Stats lecture until the last 15 mins when i started dozing off. I almost started snoring, when i decided it would be wiser to catch some coffee then rather than sleeping throughout the lessons the rest of the day. Both of the vending machines were cold out. What did i expect. It was still the first week after the holidays. We, poly students, are gonna start gargling it as mouthwash soon enough when the examinations pour in.
Speaking of examinations, got the results for my Effective Writing Skills. a B. B for Boring.
It was too long. Long-winded tongue twisting Indian me.

Anyway, it felt kinda weird today, did not find it so hard to keep away from the Smoking Point. Eventhough i am not really betting on me quitting. Just strange.

I was so paranoid about my hair today that my train of thoughts went from statistics down a lil alleyway to fretting about my hair. Msged my sis. I think by this week. *Fingers crossed.
Fi, I want the kendarat thing!!!

Anyway, I am now stuck in the library now because i am waiting for Hani to finish going out with Heiqal. Then we are meeting up. At first, was kinda pissed off on not having anything to do but now, it is already 4.52 and i do not feel like getting my lazy ass out from this couch.

And fyi, i think i am addicted to this Johnson's baby lotion. Applied it 4 times while sitting in the library. The air conditioning makes me feel like it is practically sucking the moisture from my hands. It is dehydrated enough as it is. Trust me. Gosh!

Anyway, i guess i got to go.
Chatting on the e-mail is alright. But MSN is better.
BBQ on Fri @ Regan's place.
Woots!
Miss u babyyy..
i'll stop now.

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

I think imma get the normal sombre blogskin. The template ones where it comes together with blogger. i think it makes u look smarter, right? I dun know, fleeting thoughts everywhere.
I think today has been the most alive i have felt ever after what i feel like a gajeelion years. The pain i went through was excruciating. Damness. Bless the soul of the creator of antibiotics. I totally adore you from right about now till eternity. And all the calamine lotion and Johnson's baby lotion i used for my heat rash have given birth to such smooth skin. I think i am an addict now. Totally love this feeling. Whoah.

Had a tiff. Minor one with Regan about my freaking insecurities. haiz, i guess after meeting him, i gave myself some leeway to be a lil more comfortable being in my own skin and then the whole plunging into the boozefest and getting sick, the way i could not do anything to rectify my insecurity just began to summon up inside of me like a black hurricane you see in Charmed. So, i guess that's it.Back to taking care of myself again because an insecure kental is no more attractive than my neighbour's girlfriend. Who is sooooooooo ugly.

ooh. ooh. Me and Regan are officially attached. SO corny right? I know. Both of us are not really into the whole thing but i think it feels pretty damn right to me. Just to make it clear to people. Plus, he looks hot when he is angry. Grrr...

I feel so cooped up for so long that now i feel lost. I wasted my holidays ok! I did not go and rebond my hair. Fought with my family, got sick. did not go KL. Did not even go clubbing!!! Thank god, i met him. And the tots. *phew. Now, it feels so weird going back to school when i actually have 3 days MC. My mum's having an off day too and she wants me to clean the house with her because some asshole is coming around to evaluate the house. Yeah, we are shifting again. To god knows where. Gonna get my bike or car license by then. Dun care. This is just great.
School was near. I knew how long it will take exactly for me to go to the interchange from my house and at what speed already,k. The bus was also quite accessible to go to Tamp. Now?!?
*sigh. I think i shall be adult about the whole matter and go like, whatever mum....i'll adapt.
I'll only be with you for a couple of years more only...*muffled laughs.
Bwuahahaha....
*Walks away rubbing my belly.

Monday, June 26, 2006

Eventhough i always had a thing for my own people, namely, Indians. I wish i would never marry a full, thoroughly bred Indian because then i would see the same pattern i see in my own and in my sis' home recreated in mine. I would never allow that.

The typical fatherly figure who act all big because the home is the only place he can actually feel that way because his existence means shit to this world. Stop watching this stupid Indian flicks, dad. It damages your brain and fills your heart with hopes of daughters who cook, clean and study without a strand of hair getting misplaced from the well oiled braid that stinks. With hopes of sons, who die and kills for you. Who can bring a total of 65 men into a state of KO with the stunts and still look composed. Snap out of it. That's not the real world. Ok, so you switch to another channel. The horror, you switch to Crime Watch. Now, u gonna think that your daughter's gonna get raped every freaking day and ur son's gonna get slaughtered and left in the middle of Orchard Road. A possibility but not every single motherfucking day.

And mum. Can u pls freaking stop it? Not everyday's freaking Oprah. I come back from school, u complain about how unfair the world is.I come back from clubbing, u say the same thing. I come back from Mama shop. Wake up ur idea mum. I dun freaking give a half fuck.

I was sick. Wanted to stay over in Tampines. U told me to come back because Dad's op was tomorrow. I came back, u said some shit about u not being able to take the pressure and want to run away. What triggered it? When u said that i dun look that sick. and i said, yeah, tht's what medicine is for. MUM?!? what's wrong with you? it doesn't tally. Medicine and running away?
Whatever.
I am not gonna just take it in like last time. U spew nonsense, i go to my room. U talk sense, i'll talk to you.k?

Sunday, June 25, 2006

Finally collected my PAP smear results. What a relief! Got steely stares because of how far apart the test was done and the time i went to collect it. Finally got it out of my system. Gonna make it a regular check up from now on. Ain't taking no chances with my health now. I might have to opearate on my tonsils too. I think i am gonna wait and see first if the ultra strong antibiotics work.

There's something magical about Tampines, esp my god-mum place. No matter how sick i am, the moment i step in the house, i feel much better.

Contemplating on giving up my tobacco friend. If tonsils could hurt this much, imagine cancer, then again. Zulaikha is sometimes full of bullshit.

Oh well.
see u when i get much much better. Gonna cuddle in my god-mums armpits now.
*snuggle.


this ain't no ordinary tonsilitis.i can feel that it is not

I'll find out tomorrow.

I want to eat again. I want to feel and see my bronzed skin again. I want to be able to jump around without puking or feeling faint. I want to smile without cracking the taut skin on my lips. i wanna be normal and healthy again.

Ya Allah, please release me from this pain. Plssss........

Friday, June 23, 2006

How long have i not blogged? Gosh, thinking of not blogging at all now.
We'll see.

My mouse is failing me right now. It can only go from side to side, not up and down and i am doing everything using just the keyboard. Turns out, i am pretty skilled at it too. Gotta reboot it. Anybody know how to?
Better burn all the songs into a CD or a thumbdrive. .

Many complications at home. Was on the brink of moving out until i decided to stay and stick this one out for the betterment of my future and screw anyone who says otherwise. I think i am just learning to do or say stuff that i really want to do or say unlike the past where my only goal of saying and doing anything is to please others. Right now, i say what i mean.

Besides my computer being down with the bug, i have been pretty much camatosed myself. I know you do not want me to say thanks again but i would much rather do it here in black and white. Thanks for taking care of me baby, changing the towels on my forehead. I was burning up man. Thought i was in hell the way i was burning. Had the whole thing siah,

Heat rash, tonsilitis, fever, nausea, flu, cough. Sigh. Was not much fun to be with this weekend and i dun blame you for watching the game while taking care of me. There's only a limited time you can stare at my swollen, red face and not get bored or disgusted.

I still do not feel well. Since i did not come home yest without really informing anyone, i got grounded. Just a lil. Look on the bright side, i would be having more time for my ICA 2's when school reopens. I can't wait! I think i should get a pencilbox.

Eventhough the marks from my ICA 1 was okay, the marks that i know of ah, i do not want to take it for granted. I know it will be tougher. Get prepared.

I think me and Regan have entered another stage eventhough we are not in a real realtionship,(dun ask, it's complicated) where it is not all happy chirpy sweet talk. Like we are slowly getting to know each other, one day at a time. Sometimes, i wonder though, why we click so well. Eventhough the things we think about are similar and our opinions dun differ that much, we are actually poles apart in one area.

There are people who look at their goals and rush head first to the destination, not thinking much about the steps that they have to take. Whereas there is another person who think about the goal and analyses every move and step he has to take to reach the goal. I am the former and he, the latter. There is no better or right or wrong way, just the way things goes. I think i am more like 'live every single day as it comes' while he plans ahead. Nothing wrong. Just the way we are. hmm....interesting. We could teach each other a thing or two.

I tell you, i have been putting on calamine lotion all over myself because of the heat rash and now that it is a lil better, it feels and looks like there is a layer of clear plastic wrapping on my body. Whatever lah.

I can't believe i haven't rebonded my hair. I can't be bothered now since i am sick but i know that once school starts, it's gonna get on my nerve.

Going KL next weekend but i am kinda reluctant because of the cash. I dun feel nice him paying for eveything. Go ahead, girls, scratch your heads, but i really dun. *sigh.....

I dun even know why i am blogging. Oh yeah, waiting for him to finish walking Pedro. Ciaoz.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

I am shunning fast food from now on.
My body and mind can only take a limited amount of Mc Spicys and double patty burgers, eventhough Regan makes the best ones.
There i said ur name on the legendary blog, k?!?

Reminds me of Fiz.Keep asking me to put their names on my blog.
*sigh.

Anyway, in the mood to do things.
Change my diet, my wadrobe, organize my kitchen(What?!? got a problem with that?), paint my room. At the same time.
Someone stop this energy.
And it doesn't help that my bowel system is totally at its optimum right now.
Aimless rambling shows how much energy i have now.
Got to get rid of it.
Ciao.


K, i know that it has been very long since i posted something bitchy.
A post that would label me as the shallowest gerl on this planet.
But again, remember the 'Mystery man saga?' The Father of three kids?

And let me introduce to you.
A grandfather of three.

This is hillarious k. I dun understand why compared to the other tots, i get the wrinkly, viagra-dependent, botox desperate men?

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Message: Interested in getting to know a boy from Holland?

A BOY?!?!?!
Then what am i? Underaged? oh yeah..... i am underaged...
But that's not the point.

Grrrr....

Goodness!

Saturday, June 10, 2006
Listening to:England and paraguay match,

So here i am. In his house. Won't be using the comp much now since i won't be having much pics to actually show what is happening.
Will be having a digicam soon, i hope. KL this week. Whoopee!!

Pics @ Dance Explosion.

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How fucking long have we not met siah?!?
Fucking insane ah!!

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Nice background dun you think?

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Group photo one: Failed.

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Group photo two: Forget it.

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Multiple extreme personalities.

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Ermm.....

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Everyone's happy but Hani has never seen technology before you see.
She's amazed by the flash

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I am just pure ecstatic.
Our goodbye red indian dance.

So, BYE!!! See you not so soon. Muax.

Oh yeah, Happy Holidays!!!



Tuesday, June 6, 2006

Have you ever had a wound and then jumped into the sea and it stung so bad, it made you flinch and hiss with fury?

I feel like i have open gaps of wounds all over my body and i got stranded in the sea.
I struggled and cursed and first.
I paddled furiously, willing to carry on, stop the pain, make a difference to where i am, to change how i am feeling.
And then.............................
After a while, you just get exhausted. You just dun feel like paddling anymore. Your body gets too numb to differentiate pain and pleasure.
You just dun want to move. You lift your head and stare at the stinging heat radiating from the sun. And you sigh a sigh of defeat. You turn to look at the calm blue of the sky instead. You say a quiet prayer that only you and the surface of the sea could hear. You tilt your head and decide to let the waves hurl you to wherever he wants.

The only reason i still want to paddle is because i know that there is so much more to me that i could do. So much more memories that i could leave behind to mark my existence in this beautiful life. But it just gets so exhausting sometimes.

Especially when ur family just treats you like a little girl with overgrown boobs. I feel like shaking things up. I feel like breaking this up.

It is like a beautiful picture made of very bad paint. No matter how much you try to preserve the beauty, you know you never can because all the ingredients, every part of the painting is bad. Except for the painter's objective which is to please the eye. Just a way to make life less of a prick.
But it is more than what u want to potray because you can't paint a pretty picture if ur world ain't that pretty.

What i am appreciative for though is the colours that seems to seep its way into my life now.*smiles. I think without him, i would have gone to my past all over again. I guess someone up there really loves me.

I feel like i am living in two different lives. It's like my alter-ego.
So much of everything in me.
So much of emotions in me, of so many extremes.
So much love for me to give but i remain guarded, so much of anger i wanna let out, so much happiness begging me to just go ballistic,so much sadness yet i am afraid of floods.
Why must life be all about keeping it in? Why is it that when you just want to love everything you come in contact, cynics or, realists tells you not to because u will burn yourself. Why is it that when you just feel like releasing your anger, people tend to think that you are not on top of yourself when really you are the only one who really is on top of herself.
When you show too much happiness, pessimists look at you with contempt.When you cry, people think u are weak.
Is it true? I understand that it gets a lil freaky if you are too extreme all the time but when times like this comes around, when you feel like you are a walking time bomb of emotions, can we just stop judging people who are brave enough to do what they need to do to be sane.
It irritates me.
I also do not mean that you should cry 24/7 or kill someone by releasing your anger or get so drunk and fuck everyone you meet because it is much easier to live life under the haze of alchohol.But life's not that simple. Not that easy.
I am ranting now and no one can stop me by tsk-tsking when you close this window. Because i am emotional. So sue me.

Monday, June 5, 2006

K, got my bed already. It is enormous ah!!
K, before i start dragging on about the interior of my room, let me just explain to you why i am like so 'jakun' about all this,k? I never had my own room before so this is some big shit to me.
Apparently, even when i said that i had to be present when picking out my own bed, i guess my parents decided to go against it and decided to suprise me.
Don't get me wrong, it is gorgeous. But.

But, it is all wrong for me in a sense that my dad took it on a whole different level when he said, 'I was his princess'. The bed looked scarily royalty and clashes with all the blue in my room.
I can so imagine me waking up in a long white nightie the princesses in the 80's wear to sleep and going to my dresser which is also the same shade and stroking my long hair with a old-fashioned brush.
Full stop.
It is 2006!!
It is still okay though. Can make it work with some paint and accessories here and there, it would be fine.

My first day of saving and i sure as hell dun feel the pinch even though i know that the money would be used for cigarettes later on.Worth a try.

I miss my god mum. Too much. I am so going to meet her on Wednesday. Sigh.


In Tan Beng Seng class. Was following the lesson very dilligently till he lost me and i just stopped listening.

Till he said something.

He said that it is scientifically proven that men has to speak only an average of 10,000 words per day and us, woman, on the other hand, has to speak 4 times more than man, which is like 40,000 words.
It is because of this that many marriages are in a lot of stress but i cannot see how it can cause so much stress. K, imagine this scenario.

The normal, domestic woman would be at home, taking care of the household and the children and maybe the cat. There's only so much you can talk about with the couch and the cat and your 2 year old child. So, when the husband comes back after many meetings at work which would have caused his quota to have already been used up, he just wants to shut up.

Now, this can cause many scenarios. One, the man would flare up with irritance, then the woman would go on a rant about how the guy does not love her, blah blah. Because she must talk! To the perosn she's the most comfortable with. Or, this is when the woman has to attain the skill of just talking without expecting much facial expression from the husband's response. And this is when the men have to be smart enough to nod and shake their heads appropriately and be prepared for the mini quizzes the girl has to test whether you are listening or not. Either that or he should get a blind wife and the husband just have to invest in good earmuffs. Or, better yet, get a mute wife because we are never shutting up. NEVER!!!!
Deal with it.

Sunday, June 4, 2006

And now the countdown starts.
Just one more week. Just one. Seven days.
Till my holidays!! Till i may not worry about oversleeping again.
Eventhough i do not think i have invested enough effort in school yet.
I know that i can do much better.

Spent my Friday with Regan. Picked him up from reservist. Bloody hell. Had to wait damn long ah.. But well.. ain't his fault. The place was damn 'ulu', it was no suprise seeing him act all excited at the slightest brush of civilisation and civilian clothings. I would be jumping around too if i could finally sleep on my own bed after 5 days of trees and greenery. Too much greens and trees.

Speaking about beds, i am getting my new queen size bed tomorrow. Yeah yeah, no more back pains. Finally, after moving in here, the room is going to look adequately like a room. But the only thing is that, my mother bought the bed that is in white! That means all the spray painting of my cupboard to a sea blue shade have all gone down the drain. Now i got to get like White or Grey spray paint. And then i got to paint my whole room white. And then i got to change my curtains also. That's going to take a lot of effort. K, no digressing..

Where was i? Yeah, headed back to his place and after much cuddling, we headed down to Pastamania with his mum and his brother, Clyde. It's funny how these two cuckoo heads just turn into 5 year old kids with their mum around. Too much. They would start whining and fighting, (sorry baby, you know it is true!). Gosh!
Went back to his place after me and him went to get some drinks because we wanted to watch some movies. Saw Clyde walking Pedro(his hyperactive, i-love-trees dog). I like Pedro lots. Will try posting a pic for you guys to see him. I am totally in love with him. That's a real dog for you.Because of him, i got bloody toned arms and legs for the next two days. And i am so not going to stop walking him. When we went back, his mum was already asleep. Decided not to wake her up and watched 'Carlito's Way'.
I think Carlito's hot! They apparently don't agree. Whatever. He is!Anyway, woke up damn late the next afternoon and had McDonald's. I am so going to get fat! Nah, doubt so. He won't let me. Bleargh.

Went back home. And got ready to go clubbing with my family. Guess who got high? Every single one of my family member. My mom and dad had like 3 waterfalls. Havoc teenagers! Bloody partied the night away. Wished i had pictures! UGH!

Slept till late. It's great to have chilli crabs waiting for you to gobble it up when you wake up from a night of partying. Went to watch a movie with him,'The Benchwarmers'. A few more months and i would convert to being a movie junkie. I never really cared what is showing in the cinema till now. I have never really cared about anything much until now. I have never been so energized about doing something until now. Thanks, baby.

I feel myself changing a lot.
Willing to take more adventurous steps. Willing to think out of the box with him. Willing to finally do what i say.
Just more willing to wake up in the morning. I was willing before but i am much more willing now. Too soon to say and feel it?
Too bad, i already have.

' I only have eyes for you..... and Jessica and Cassandra..'
bloody kental.*pouts.
Gosh, i am getting too mushy already.
Moo-shee.