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Thursday, January 27, 2005

cut it out

hey..this is especially fer the tots. Whatever it is, i miss all of you. Let's go out together.huh?

waddaya say. hey fi? where the hell are you? meet us leh. we miss ya. serious.

well, this is a post that is very different frem the previous ones.

Well, rajiv, i have accepted the fact and i cannot seem to rewind back to the days we are together. it is a blur. but it was fun. it will still remain fun. u and me and my brother. huh?

we will still remain friends.

well.i just got well from being freaking sick. i had gastric. haha..it has been three times. and the doc said that if i get another two relapse then i could have ulcers and if that happen and if it were to burst then i might get cancer. so..i better jaga2 my meals and stop smoking and drinking caffeine on an empty stomach. haiz..fate is so making fun of me.

And this danceworks thing, it is becoming a blardie big competition. hey, please dun misunderstand me. am not joining it so that i can beat other people. i came with one thing in mind. i had nothing to do so i wanted to dance so opportunity kocked and i answered k? not involved in the politics.

Hahaha..got to know this guy, devvinesh, been keeping me company.hahah..weird considering the fact that i did not want to talk to him in the first place. well, nothing much.

i so want to quit my aramis job. it is so blardie boring. so let's go interviewing again. tomolo k?

k lah. i'll get bak to ya aite? byes

Thursday, January 13, 2005

same old. same old.

life has been picking up.

i feel free. like a bird. but a heartbroken bird.

well. at least i can farking fly.

haiz.have been getting myself drunk just to get over him. somehow,it doesn't hurt as

much if you are under the influence of alchohol. sometimes, i just wish he could see me hurtin.

and he would tell me that he wuld be there fer me. but he won't.

he just won't.

Have been trying to fill my time everyday. everyday is a constant struggle.

To make things worse i got dismissed. not exactly fired frem my job but they gave me measly working hours. so i quit.

am getting two jobs. i am saving up fer our house. me me mum and me sis. can't wait.

besides that am joining dancewerks. well. i love to dance so why not?also I am getting a new portfolio. my portfolio sucked! Well, my life has a new leash but still, i wished i could know that i still have him but he has left. i wished i hadn't asked to do the right thing.

if you are readin this, rajiv, i love you. and i wish you are with me now. i have yet to make soup fer you when you are sick. Yet to stroke your hair till you sleep. Yet to go to deepavali as your gf. Yet to make you breakfast. Yet to count the years we are together. but now you are gone. Forever. and left me alone. Again.

Sunday, January 9, 2005

what the fuck lah eh

Well if it isn't hard enough when i try to close my eyes and forget about him. i dream about him. why can't he leave me alone. this hurts man.

Wanna know what i dreamt? i dreamt that i was with him at the mrt interchange and i was hugging him.

and the feeling... a wash of serenity and peace. like i belonged there in his arms. a feeling i wanted to feel real life but was not allowed to. i guess god still allowed me to feel it nevertheless.

well, i am feeling like a stranger and it hurts when you know that person so much and you gave so much then he morphs into somebody else.

i feel like i am trapped. i want to know what he feels. i care but i guess he does not want me to care. Everyone is telling me zul..forget him, if he does not want to care and be cared for, then you cannot force him. but i dunnoe. it hurts trying to pretend i dun care but i do. sometimes i almost believe it myself.

well. i guess i have to go on with this pretense. i wish i could tell everyone to fuck off and let me be with him but you know what, i dun think HE wants it anymore and i have to move on. i have to.god give me strenght.

Saturday, January 8, 2005

back again

i can safely say i am on my feet again but i really wished we did not have to end.

i really really wished but we have to i know.

well, now he ain't koling me and stuff, like he is treating me like a blardie dog. well, that is how i feel. like a dog trying very hard to get the master's attention and hey, the other day, he koled me to apologize to me about the way he treated me and such but well, you know what, there is no use in apologizing today and still treating me like that again the next day.

And he told me he does not want us to part but hey if you think about it, parting is the only way to forget him or else it wud be to treat me like shit and well i wud rather you part.

Rajiv and Zulaikha. a history that was never meant to be.

a self-centered bitch and a jerk in denial never goes well together. but we did and it was beautiful. it was so beautiful i fell like crying right now.

But well, maybe there is someone out there who loves me and adores me and would never let me down. i am sick and tired of people who tells me that they would never hurt me and.. well.

end of story

Sunday, January 2, 2005

my breakup

Well. this is finally over. i broke up already.

yah. was not blogging cause i felt that the world was cuming to an end but well i guess not.

well, i will miss his iritatingness but i dun think it will ever end lah. and also i will miss his kisses and hugs. well. no one would ever let me feel how he feels.

maybe he is just a god-send fer me to get over that jerk of a guy and then it is off to me again. haiz. well, i am single. officially single. when have there been a day that i can say i am single?

there you go. i am single.but not available. You know what i think this love thing is bullshit.

it is not meant to last at all. haiz. but i still believe in it.

just like now after i broke up, he told me that all the way he felt like he was betraying his religion because sikh and muslim don't go well together. well. today my emotions are ok.

but hey, tomorrow is another day and i am faraking scared that my emotions would be like yesterday like fuck like that. could not stop thinking about him. haiz. well, what is done is done.

But we are still going to be friends because i realise that our attitude suit each other more as friends.

ok, nuf 'bout the sad stuff. i got 'promoted' from me job can say lah. had to werk longer hours. more $. it was getting damn tiring cause i was waking up at 5 and laeving werk at 11. not worth it. well. going shopping next week. can't wait. perhaps going hendrix this wed and sentosa on fri. tell you bout it. muacks. life is not such a bitch, just a misunderstood rebel.