Is safe or vulnerable better?

I have never taken what i have today for granted. Losing things tomorrow have somehow made me feel that the Guy in the Heavens likes to play that game with me. The game where he gives me something that stirs up some feelings in my insides. And then take it all away before i even give thanks to him. And it starts back to the point where i find myself at Palawan, though with friends who have been with me, thinking that i am all alone again. The kind of loneliness that hurts so much, i just got used to it. Home was a word i never got, Family a word i hated. Expectations, a word i shied away from. Friends, something i still held on with on a thin thread of hope.

Which is why i thought i had a smart strategy of Plan B. I had Plan B's for everything. I thought, if i lost my family (again), i would know what to do. I would know where to go. I planned what to feel. When my education bails out on me, i thought it was because that was all that i could do. I thought i could never achieve anything anyway, since all my effort would go down the drain when it's taken away from me. Even in relationships, i always had backup, just in case. Yes, i was a coward. I got used to being alone. I listened when i cry. I understood me when i feel entrapped. I got so in tune with myself, i thought there was no room for improvement. Though my plan of action was weighing me down by putting so much effort into my Plan B's, i never took advantage of what i have. I never saw the reason to since He would just pull the rug underneath me and laugh at me, just another dot in his army of toys. Eventhough this sounds ridiculous, it ensured me safety at all times. Nobody could take advantage of me. I was the one who breaks not the other breaking me. I thought i was better at the game, like the game of chess.

But He caught me with his new game. He gave me things i did not want to lose. I wanted to work hard for them, for them to stay. Even the word family dun make my neck hot from the blood rushing due to the anger anymore. In matters of the heart, now, i dun keep my defenses up, i can blush from it without thinking that he is going to spear me right there where it hurts when he sees he can. I plunge it whatever i have maximising its worth. I am right there with them. I am not to conquer or be conquered. Forever suddenly has a meaning i could relate to with the word itself, not just an overrated word in slow ballads. Love and affection does not make me shudder or run away. In fact, i find myself fighting its worth, trying to make people feel it. From the scrooge when it comes to feelings, i feel like Mr 'full of good stuff' Santa.

But now, i wonder, is it smart? Would i get hurt, big time? i see an evil smile creeping to His face. Have i been defeated or am i still in for The Big Blow?

I am still wondering, was it smart of me to be so sure while he just hides? Should i have hid? And i wonder, just when it is i lose all i have now. And i fear. Because i don't think I can handle it now.
I know i cannot handle it now.