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Wednesday, August 31, 2005

To all the people that is dying.. Dun look no farther, baby i am back.

From Yishun that is. Was not so bad this week. Hell is settling down, i think it is because Hungry Ghost Festival is going to be over soon ah, so i think my mum was possessed or something. My brother got back 'momo', his Aprilla bike and my sister is getting a new baby GIRL! Woohoo..i'll be a great aunt. Agree everyone?

Silence.

Fine.

School was a blast just now, came to school late. As i entered school, I saw this group of kentalans prancing along to 'This Love'. Realised that it was my teacher, Mr Azahar, 'Winnie The Pooh'. Damn cute ah he.
Did a dance that went perfectly fine. The atmosphere was perfect. People were screaming as if the world is going to end if they shut up. But it's all good. I can't keep quiet for shit anyways. Thanks to all the supporters, ceh, step Michael Jackson onli.

Then went back to Loyang. Missed that freaking heaven-cum-hell school man. Saw Cikgu Kursiah, who i fought with countless times but still remains the adorable kepo teacher, Mr Kennedy,known for his by-the-book subdued behaviour we all know and love. Mr Koh with his irritatingly sarcastic comments everyone is addicted to. Ms Choo with her senile, loud yet caring interior.Mr Anil with his sheepish smile and live-and-die for DNT's attitude. Even Meena, aka Ms Damo. who we just wish to shave. Last and most definitely not the least, MR HENG!! The teacher who won over the hearts of so many students and was awarded the most caring teacher in the universe..erm..k.. in the school.

Then we proceeded to talk about school. Fi left and we followed Bib home. Went to Safron. Ate the most disgusting soup kambing of the century. Then went to town. Met CT and..hmm..Gwen. It was weird introducing these two groups of friends together but it went fairly ok. Met Dina..supposed to be with him now throughout the whole night talking kok but well, things did not go as planned.
So here i am blogging and waiting for my kental to call.

i am a peanut head.woohooo!!!

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Listening to: My teacher yapping away about this stupid movie.

Haha..ferst shamikha, then Rajikha then Zulaikha Abdullah? Haha.. i dun tink so.
Nothing close. Too soon to say anything.

When people from Mars have a problem, they tend to lock themself in the cave where no one from Venus is actually allowed to enter. On the other hand, people from Venus solve their problem by talking about this and due to this normal nature of things, many domestic complications occur. As a citizen of Venus, you should know never to push your way in the Mars people cave as they would run away if they are still not comfortable with you yet. We met only three times? Felt like many. K, thanks. Understood. Actually, that was how i wanted it to be anyway, just that i just wasn't sure where you and me stood. Whew!

In school right now, burning determination to do well now. Going to drop my maths fer now. Focus on Bio and GP so that at least i can enter J2. Insya-allah. I hope things remain like now. There's a possibility that my life could change forever but let's just hope it does not happen.
Dun ask.

Sunday, August 28, 2005

Back again. Blogging. I so have no life.
Perhaps the reason i am always on the
comp is that so i can get connected.
To you-know-who. You dun? Screw you lah then.

Just got back from watching The Maid with Ryan.
Sacry shit ya alls. When walking thru this dark alley alone,
kinda expected a hand to grab me and shout 'Rosa..'
Fucked up feeling. Still having the chills and the hangover.
Damnations.

Tomorrow is another long day in school which is going to end up in Yishun.
Hate that place. Makes me sad. But i will pull through.
I can't believe i am going to go for this basketball tournament tomorrow.
Go Saggitarius. i feel so kental right about now.

You just don't know who really cares do you? Whatever.
It is seriously about time where i stop trying to get people
to feel what i am feeling and just feel it myself, get
to know myself so that i can finally pick myself up.
And move on. Without anyone's affection or help.
Great advice sha. Dun try so hard finding your other half.
Furthermore, it is hard to find your other half when you have not even found yourself yet.
So i am going meditating? Anyone following?


Why? Why? Why can't i control my liquor anymore?
Thanks Dina and CT..wiped out yesterday at One Nite's Stand.
Was back home damn early..Still wobbled here and there.
Dunnoe how come Dinesh was there and he took care of me till i am ready to go home. People are all over me when i need them.Thank God.

Supposed to meet Ryan but he is going to Amaran..Yew! A freaking indian club. pass..no way man.

Stuck at home on a Sunday morning so what will i do? homework..woohoo..that is so fun like a pin up my arsehole. dangs, that hurts..whatever lah.
Can't wait fer my holidays. 35..35..35...

Saturday, August 27, 2005

Whatever i do, i can't hide it.
U don't tell me how u feel.
I don't know. I assume and it hurts.
U are just another motherfucker out to ruin my life.

Friday, August 26, 2005

Record for the week.
Zulaikha
absent from school: once.
Early: once
Did her homework: twice

Wohhooo! what an improvement(no sarcasm involved)
Woke up today..late again. Wanted to go to bio but was damn lazy. Ate some alone prata. Kental. Then had to go fer counselling. Skipped that as well. I will change. Promise. 35 more days. Thanks fiz, you are really something amazing under that 'reserved' exterior of yours.

You don't come all the way from Aust just to see me. that is just freaky. You dun love me.Yew! fine! if that is the way you want it, bring me shopping k? Paragon anyone? bwuahaha..stupid guy.

Ab's still silent and handphoneless..hopefully he finishes his assignment by tomolo..at least to take back his hp.
Ryan's coming back tomorrow. Can't wait!
Rajiv is right..this is too nice..meeting my long lost tots later..damn!
A life full of people makes me forget about things that matter but should never be thought about.



Thursday, August 25, 2005

Met Abdullah yesterday. Went to see Must love dogs. it was so-so. Same hopelessly in love romantic movie with a number of twists here and there. Did not realise how much i missed him untill i saw his face. Went walking, walking, talking then turn around and dun know where the fark we were, turn around back. Then went to watch the movie. After that, we walked and talked and dun know where the fark we were again and turned back again and played pool. Yupz, some competition going on huh? Trashed him again 3-2. Woohoo..give it up cowboy.
Then when going home, he did some gestures with his hand. My eyes was infected and i took out me contacts so i was a blind bat. He was like," my phone", complete with the signals and i thought he was waving so i waved and grinned like an idiot. And he was like, hello? i got in the train, the last train and he called me saying, kental you got my phone. I felt like digging a grave and jumping into it head first. But i have the feeling the phone is not something of utmost importance for him, it is still with me and he hasn't called me yet to pick it up..perhaps tomorrow. Kental.
damn! missed you tots..a lot.
There's no need for a stranger to come all the way from australia to just talk to you right? that's just creepy. Stay there you freak, you are creeping me out!

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Sometimes i amaze myself.Someone who seem to really like me for who i am, someone who does not use our freedom to exploit me, someone willing to scream watching The Maid with me and his cousins. Someone who wants to savour the moment in Bali with me instead of anyone else. He admits that he never missed people easily but he does to me. He is someone who does not say out his feelings very well. But he does to me. I trust that cause i can see it in him.
Instead of just going with the flow, i'd rather get paranoid myself. Think about the mix of feelings both of us is feeling. This relationship is complicated. Both does not want anything to happen. To pretend that life would be the same but we know something's have changed. No matter hoe hard we try not to message each other, something inside us bugs us to sms the other akwardly, when it is obvious we just miss each other. Ab, you are special to me but i dun think i want anything like that soon and i dun want to put you through it either. Life is just messed up now. I know it may be like giving up a catch but i am so scared that i dun want to go on but why am i still going?
And family-wise i am screwed up. I am a psychopath. I hate life so much, i want to run away..to cry and not stop. Why Mummy, do you really hate me? Do you really think i am a jinx? Daddy, do you really care? you are not even my real dad.So you work your ass off for me? Or is it just for your son? Sis, have you ever stopped to see the hurt in your baby sister's eyes? The only thing i am grateful to you motherfuckers for is my brother. From the bottom of my heart, i hate you.I hate you so much. There i said it.
Mama, are you going with them too? Don't leave me.You have always been with me. Don't push me to the ledge. I might never come back.
Pls, i feel so alone.I feel so helpless. Everything's wrong. People pointing accusing fingers at me. Stop it, dun judge me. i am not happy.i said it.
so sue me.

Sunday, August 21, 2005

There is somethings in life you can't explain.
Some hurt you just cannot run away from.
Some feelings you just can't hide or supress.
Somethings you can't deny.
Some things you just cannot care about.
Some things that might go wrong when things seemed to be in control.
That makes me scared.
To go for anything or to trust anyone.
I may potray the image of someone who dun care
But i care. A lot.
So much that when i find someone even remotely close to it,
I just get so scared.
I am scared.
I just hope i dun fall for him anymore cause at this point of time, anymore would include hurt in my dictionary of feelings.
Shit!
Listening to- Bonce by Fatty Koo

Just when i thought that i was going to have another boring Saturday again, Aisha just had to suprise me.
K, yesterday started out in the wrong note. Was supposed to go to my mum's shop at 2.30 but woke up around there so i thought that they would arrive early but ended waiting till 6. Went to town with sha and bib. Was at Lucky Plaza and met Adeq, Ken, Jocole, Najib. Blardie happy but things will never be the same. Then went to play pool. Bought a cap dunnoe for what ah.
When we went home, me and sha slacked with Rajiv(that's right, me ex) and Nash. We drank and slacked and played truth or dare. Damn freaking hillarious. We were laughing like there will be no tomorrow and asked Sha fer the last time if she wanted to go club and she said no.
Just when i was almost reaching my house, she called and said she wanted to go. Always like this but it has been a long time since i did it with this girl.
We went to wuBar and she met tis guy and so did i. Not really wanted to get to knoe but he is good at talking. so, went back home a 7 even after much insistence by Aish, the guy, to go back later. sha determination kuat nak balik. haha
And now, i just woke up.
Abdullah also went Momo yest. I dun know why, suddenly, i feel things i should not be feeling. Like i get pissed off when he does not pick up the fone during clubbing? How bongok is that? Shit man. It is so useless ah. i think i many try to emotionally detach myself from him a lil bit. Nothing scares an guy and myself more than a stalker. i feel like one.
K, stop it Zulaikha, he is not your bloody boyfriend, even after everything he said when he was high.

Friday, August 19, 2005

i am in a state of euphoria right now.
Everything seems okay.
School's picking up.
Economics was okay.
Biology is superb.
Maths...hmm...skip that lah eh.
The big-hair girls in the school is keeping me in check.
Thanks syarifah for insisting on me staying back for maths.
Finally i understood Summation.
To all the dance people, you did great. Too bad i wasn't part of it.
Next friday k.
Besides that, me and Apple also werking on this duo dance thing.
She contemporary and me hip-hop funk.
Exciting. Two performaces in one week.
Nys, pinjam digicam...please..

In tribute of,





and also,


The tots.

Hani's in camp.
Meeting sha and bib tomolo.
Fi is still cute.
Nys masih kental.
Li still missing.(if anyone were to see her call 1900-lina's here)
Everything's sweet

Family

Still in ignorance.
so blardie close with my bro.
Sis getting chummy again.
all's good.

love-life
Rushing, no player no more.
Hope is moderately high.
Meeting him tomolo.
Indirectly sweet.
Going Bali after promos perhaps.
Can't wait. wooohoo..no promises just yet.
Brazilian wax date? originally painful idea. maybe next time.k, sayang?

Sneak peak.

That's him in the middle.*drools.

Thursday, August 18, 2005

I really dunch know what the hell is wrong with me. Today i was so happy, my heart was so heavy with happiness that i was even humming during an econs test? (which was quite ok for me). but a pass is still questionable.
Maths..haiz..i would rather understand spanish.
Going to school have made me actually appreciate and stop me from feeling things that are just toxic to myself and the people i love.
Just meeting you guys make me freaking happy. I feel so glad that there are a lot of people that i can connect with and even feel freaking ass strongly about.
Thanks.
To everybody even the teachers. It might seem lame that in these recent posts, i keep thanking everyone but you have no idea how much i mean it.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Everybody has their own dark little secret within themselves that should never or very rarely be opened up, like the pandora box. After much contemplation and to stop me from doing something stupid again, i decided to bring the tots into my little dark corner in the nursery where the sunshine smiles. That's a contradiction. Exactly my point.

I am seriously glad that i did something like that as i hope that maybe that will help them understand why i act why i do. This whole not being interested in studying, or being contented anymore.

I have lost my direction in life. But i think it is high time i actually took charge of where i am heading and actually took the time out to look out into the world i wanted to give up.
Thanks you guys. U now know a vulnerable part of me, please dun use it against me.

Love you guys.

Monday, August 15, 2005

Listening to: Spoiled



I really thought you were for real. You raised my hopes up so high. And then you started behaving so cold. So cold or was it just me? The drastic change in how you started talking to me is a shock. It is really not my fault is it? Perhaps the facade seemed so true to me. The funniest thing is that i still am left clueless on how you feel.
It seemed strange that somebody so good-looking is so nice. Perhaps this is one of your hobbies. What goes around comes around. I did to him and you are doing the same. Are you?
After a very long time i finally feel so emotional about someone and this is what i get. The heart guard i bought at the mama shop have been taken down cause of you and you took the opportunity? Suit yourself. I won't be your dog. Seriously. Compromise? not in your dictionary. I am not just a friend huh? if you treat me like this, i would rather you be my friend.
This is the lowest i have ever felt since Rajiv. I knew i should have just stayed a player. Abdullah, if you dun appreciate me, i am going to go away, i swear upon my mother's Chanel bag.

P.S: Why am i feeling like this?

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Just came back from Bugis, Tony and Guy and then headed to town..it has been like fucking long since we went there in the morning when everyone is there, shopping their butt off. I have always seen them back like from clubbing much like zombies roaming the streets of orchard. it was a nice change. believe me.
As usual everyone did their hair even Mr esplanade..haha(sorry anep..couldn't resist)... i blewdry it again.. antara, the hair stylist told me to buy some hair products and i am like so going to splurge my next 'pay day' from my mum with hair products and stocking up my wadrobe..town has brought back the shopaholic in me again and my cupboard is like screaming for clothes. Bought a off shoulder from bugis village. yeah another black top*yawn*..i need colour man.
i look so gothic.
Went to far east to eat and then went to meet thina and khai( one night stand's bartenders).i like one of them. well..what can i do, i am only human. and then practically went back home. it has been so long. no wonder my mum loves it when i go out with the tots.
In Far East, we started on a much-talked about issue.
Love
What is this feeling that we have always talked about. Some people say that love is something overrated, so much so, until it loses its meaning leading to people actually believing it does not exist. That it is something so big and unexplainable that it has kind of created a whole new religion by the imagination itself. That it is so magical and sacred that it is unreachable. It has become a curse of some sort. Like a powerful black hole that sucks out all sanity in mankind. Some can't wait to fall in love, some run away from it.
some just fall in love with the feeling of love itself.
I used to think that existed in the form of Shakespeare, the Taj Mahal, Romeo and Juliet. But now, my mindset have taken a 180 degrees change. That perhaps, this irritating thing called love is actually a feeling of Utopia within two individuals. Why it is such a mystery to non-lovers is because the feeling, this bond can only be felt by these two, not seen. People might be fighting like fark but at the end of the day, they still will cuddle knowing that the feeling is still there. And we idiots can't feel it. People say life is not worth living without this adrenalin. They say the heart starves and thrives for love.
I say, enjoy the ride.idiots.

Tuesday, August 9, 2005

there! i finally did it! did the thing that i just know i would regret and that i will miss so much..sooo much..something that i truly loved
i quit my job..*sob

it is like a pinch to the heart, not so much because of the boss an the job but the place and the people there that have become my family, people to cry with me when i am sad, laugh with at the boss, cheer each other on whent things get rough.But i do not feel too sad anyway because everyone's quitting..zin's already out. so's julia. ct and fazli's quitting cause the management there sucks and so does the boss. but well, at least now i can concentrate on my studies. and i can finally catch up with my friends. but the party animal's spirit sticking..ct and me.and sha also.finally! she will stop complaining about how boring tampines is. bwuahaha..just one more thing...yishun!! haiz..disrupting my familiar cycle of life.
Had the talk with my sis and bro-in-law.. man! got closer but does that mean more obligations? i hate obligations...the guilt for not performing to their expectations. i mean like, give me some space.
i am actually saying goodbye to club ola. bye.

Tuesday, August 2, 2005

Wooooohooo....i am back!!!!!!
from the camp of hell!!!

I miss you damn tots..*joo hugs fi,rolls over to hani, crawls under bib, jumps on nys, somersaults to sha and piggyback ride li!!* wohoo! you have no idea what hell i went through balls...

The first day was okay...but i was freaking sick..the whole fever,flu and cough shit.. the group was ok..i think my expectations was too high..the secod day was a blur..slept till 1.30..too sick and then got a damn lame campfire..nowhere in comparison with the campfire we had in loyang..
*bangra!!* Those were the days..i think the diff between then and now is that..in loyang..my family was already there in the camp...my class, the whole school was united but here..haiz...
But the best part was going back man.. Tampines..even woodlands looked great..
Thoughts of the tots, my mom's cooking, TV..whew! i know2! pampered asshole!!
i miss you my tots!!!