My brother said,

' Living is all about learning, not copy and pasting. You and I both know who u are but that's not all u can be and u dun have to be everything. Just be you.'

Sometimes, i walk too fast and too forward, i forgot my past.I either forget lessons i learnt or typically,for me, simply discarding it after seeing the benefits of my efforts. I keep trying to remain logical. But i am afraid that is just not me. Though being logical brought many benefits to me, my feelings, gut instincts ensures that things i do not only qualify as sane but also brings lots of joy within me. Be it the forbidden few hours or months, i succumb. I do not want to feel as if having feelings without basis or reasons is a crime.

So here i am, again, out of a phase where hopelessness and inferiority reigned supreme in my life. I forgot, i truly forgot how much i enjoyed having the people i love...and like.....with me. People who knew me when i was truly nothing. Who stayed through thick and thin with me, who knows all my dark secrets and the ugly side of me, yet misses me. To you guys, you know who u are, i am sorry. I forgot.

I ain't as smart as i thought. It gets painful just wanting, stretching myself to please everyone but strive for the bare minimum for a ridiculous amount of relief which was supposed to be satisfaction. I complained about not being the perfect anything for anybody but now, i want to be the best for me. I am done with this defense mechanism in me just so nobody new gets close to me which meant obligations to me when it was not supposed to. I was giving myself too much credit just sitting around expecting people to keep wanting me. I want to stop being afraid to give because I can give so much. I got so much love, ok, care, (for people who gets rashes hearing the word love) to give but held back because i was scared of hurt. I held back with friends, family but not anymore.

For a while, i got coated with a thin layer of glass so that all my actions were subtle. Like someone once told me, break out from the bubble. The bubble where i go to stroke and lick past wounds. The bubble i keep going to, to warn myself to be careful of new ones. Now, i want to break that bubble and i am only going to care when the bubble burst and a new coat of layer will form, protecting me again. Till then, i am plunging head first into trust, something i have a very big problem with. Like an old arch enemy, it haunts me, reminding me of our enmity.

But i'll look trust in the face now.