This is too much. I am unhappy today. When i say unhappy, it does not mean that I am feeling sad or that i think life is not fair. Or worse, i think that life owes me something. It means that finally after letting myself go, I took charge and did something for myself. And ever since i am so into listening to what my body and mind says or ,simply put, to be totally in tune with myself, everything else seems to pale in comparison. Everything that is supposed to also receive some of my focus. Like school and attendance.

Let me just get straight to the point. It is a minor thing and i got to write it down so that i could easily get over it before it becomes any worse and spreads to my attitude like a virus in my body.

I have been so contented lately because i was becoming increasingly co-ordinated, so on top of things that i thought to myself, " Hey, i deserve a break, no? K, i am gonna give myself two days break." So i gave myself two days to just follow my intuition and to just dun be too hard to myself. Now, it has stretched to two weeks and i feel so fucked up, u won't even believe it.

My studies carried on without me. I overslept again. I am behind in my classes and my ICA's here. My room that was already clean became all in a mess again.

I am not a control freak. NO SIREE. Totally not. But this is bad as i am not on top of things i should be on top of.(that sounds wrong).
And me being me, i plan to rectify this problem as soon as i can. Get myself organized and stuff.

I think this is exactly why i am so scared of a relationship. It involves the heart and no one can be practical in matters of the heart. No one can be on top of it all the way. It doesn't work that way. I like knowing what i am doing. I dun like unpleasant suprises very much. I ain't saying that when i do find someone special to me, i won't invest in anything. For the time being though, I would much rather just relax. I have been intense for too long and it never got me anywhere.

When i find him, i don't mind going the extra mile to make him happy. I don't mind doing stupid things to get a smile on his face like running all around Bugis looking for a bar of Time Out to give him and get that goofy smile of his. I would do a lot but i do need to know if he is worth it first though.

I know how some people think.Those who sometimes make use of these people who dun mind doing a lot of things when they are infactuated of in love. I should know, i used to exploit them a lot last time. Till i realised how much it hurts. And i never gave myself the allowance to make use of people's feelings like that again. But i know. Which was why i did not trust anyone after that and just locked that door in my heart tightly and threw away the key. After which, i changed my focus and looked at things at a bigger picture.Never expecting love to arrive at my beck and call and just smell the roses for a bit till it saunters in.

I dun know why but i am experiencing a lil tap of someone knocking the door now. I think i am recovering from the heartbreak. No matter how much, i want to try and block these stupid relationships thoughts out of my mind, it seems to seep in slowly, like a drug. I smile when i see couples because all that is going on in my head is like, 'yeah right, we'll see how long u guys last'. i still think love do no exist,however. What i think it is, is called mutual understanding. The willingness of integrating or rather compromising two different people from different lives into one without the blockage of egoistic behaviour. But Love? It's just a bloody excuse.
Maybe i am wrong, i dunnoe, i doubt so.

Anyway, i did not bring my phone with me just now and i did not bring my keys. I felt so naked. Bloody hell. So, my brother made me a mental checklist i should tick off everytime i leave the house.

1.Wallet.
2.Handphone
3. Ciggies
4.Keys

There.

I promise to follow this religiously. It pisses me off how forgetful and disorientated i am. Gosh!

And i woke up late today. Missed two bloody lessons. If i continue this, i might fail my ICAs and also would get my warning letter whcih will screw everything up now. Feel like breaking my head between two bodybuilders' legs. ARGH!

Anyway, had my computer ICA just not, i think it went smoothly. No doubt i am going to pass it lah. It's been so long i have not sat for a test or an examination. Scary shit. Anyway,since i did not have a phone with me, i could not contact anyone to go for a smoke with me. I did not even do my ICA with my class, you see. So i knew no one there to go and have a puff with me. So i went alone. There, the guys in that class just came over and talked to me. They were from a world i am very familiar with so we talked almost immediately.

The world where people sit down at a coffeeshop, have long talks about life while drinking Teh katai or Beer, depending of what day of the week it was. Where people look about the bigger picture.

And they were just the sweetest. They told me they wanted to eat because i told them i was hungry but there was no need to accompany me if they are not eating. So they said that they were eating so i agreed to go. Turns out, they have already eaten before that. They just didn't want me to go hungry! How sweet is that?*sigh.

And then more sweet people arrived, my classmate was like,'Eh,Zulaikha, get ur ass to school leh,the whole class also want to get to know you leh. How like that if u dun come school can?'
Haha.. so sweet ah. They say that they feel weird talking to me because i don't even give them a chance to. I am always late to class and the first to get out of the door when lesson ends. Okay, fine! Not that i always skip lessons lah. It's not like JC where i purposely skipped. And Josephine gave me Famous Amos cookies. Woot!

U know who's the sweetest? Ah! u dun need to know. But this person actually gave me the whole amount of my bill after seeing me fret about it so much. Gosh! An $870 bill, ok?!? Without hesitation. Things seem to fall in place now. Things seem to be a- okay. I think after being more organized and not so blur, it would be much better. K, gotta go.

And erm, i think the tapping's getting louder.