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Thursday, February 16, 2006

My date was fun at the beginning but horrible at the end. I dun want to go into details.

I have never felt so alone as i do now. Words were thrown at me once again about how a 'slut' i am, about how i am a 'pest in the family', about how i could never do anything in life ever again, about how i am the biggest burden in the family in comparison to my brother and my sister.

I can't handle this anymore. There is only so much i can take. Only so much i can brush away. And right when i was up and on my feet again, right when i thought i was actually worth something. People would go, 'Of course you are something' but if you heard these words of critism everyday of your life, you start wondering whether what they are talking about is true. The reason i am talking about this here is not because i am in need of symphathy, it is because i have no shoulder to cry on now.

My phone is being confiscated, my house keys, my freedom. I dun noe what to do. I swear part of me just wants to tell them to fuck off and just return back to Tampines.But then i will have no income whatsoever. I will have no money to even get into a poly. But that situation can also be okay because i work the best when i am left alone and what better tactic to be left alone than earning your own dough? Part of me is asking me to use my brain and just keep it in my system and just bite this bullet until i get my dip.

But who am i kidding? I am not happy, i never was. And i guess i just have to get this in my head, there is a big possibility that i never will be. Ever. Maybe i really am a jinx.

Every night, i celebrate the whole 'me leaving this earth and going to my own world' ritual. I never fail to wake up with a smile due to my dream but once my slumber reaches an end and i open my eyes, fear would clench my heart and i would try to drown the reality of what's happening. But it's too late. I would just finally resign myself to the situation and just do whatever i have to do to keep smiles on everybody's faces except myself.