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Saturday, February 4, 2006

I just realised how fucking lucky i am.

Despite all the bullshit that has happened to me, i am so fucking lucky.

K, let's talk about relationship-wise ok? I dun even know if i should even call it a fucking relationship. After saying all those things like, "i am not worth it", just for him to get out of my life, he is still sticking on and asking me things like,
'why dun you even wanna try with me?'.
I really dun know what to say to that. I dun know why i dun wanna try with him eventhough now, he treats me really well and that he really really wants to give this a shot.Despite the fact that when i am in his arms, i feel so happy, when i am with him, i just feel that i belong. Really. What the hell am i complaining about. I just realised that the problem is with me, i told him that and he asked me whether my heart is even capable of feeling. I thought i told him already that i am rather stone-hearted in a sense that i cannot take all these feelings and emotions seriously. I do not allow people and feelings to get close to me easily. You can try your best to hurt me but it is really very difficult.And he just said that it is okay because stone-hearted people like me match very well with people who are stubborn like him.I mean like, he takes all the bad things that i am flaunting and says it in such a way that it works for him. And suddenly, i feel myself feeling for him again. The difference between the feelings i have for him and he for me is that he is taking it much more seriously than me. Whatever, i dun have the time and patience to go through this. If he still dun want to take all my warnings seriously, then it is not my fault if he is to get hurt in the future. I won't lie to myself. I do like him but i like myself better. He asked me whether there is a person inside of me who can actually love. And i thought about the time i really loved Rajiv, the one i gave my everything to. The one that i really had faith in. Looking at everyone around me, i just think that realtionships are a waste of time as the feelings would die off sooner or later. That's the cynic in me talking.Maybe one day, i would love someone as selflessly as i did with Rajiv again. Maybe even soon. But dun hold your breath.

Dr Wong just called me just now. Said the tests results are out. I dun know, maybe it is just me but the fucking nurse said it in a freaking ominous voice, would it have hurt to say it while
smiling? I can only go and collect it on Monday. Fingers crossed.

Well, i have a story that is like so my highlight right now. If you all must know, i am involved in an embezzlement case right now. I have like until Mon to pay 400 bucks to FLUID.Or else, i am going to have an embezzlement record. So cool,like tycoon, but it would mean bad news later in the future. Thank god, it is only 400. Well,talked to my mum about it and she said that she will help only if i start changing this lazy lifestyle of mine. And that i cannot work anymore. Yeah right! i am going to fucking work, i am so not going to stay at home and go out with just my mum's money like a spoilt brat.I wonder why i keep getting myself into trouble. Well, i am really starting to hate 2006. Well, february better have better plans for me.

I am like so broke siah now. Damn! Sorry to whoever who is paying for me to go out right now. Feel so lame. Haiz. Well, dun worry, once i have the cash, i will make sure we party our asses off. My treat.

Went to indochine with shyanne and Sha the other day. Finally met the Zack we have all been hearing about. No wonder, you r crazy about him.

Stolen from shy's blog*(sorry):
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I like cherries.Fed cherries, mind you.

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Kway tiao good for the soul and that thing shy wouldn't eat.
Yummy!

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He likes me, he really likes me.
Oh yeah, and it is not as sweet as you say,Shy.

Going to Devil's/O bar/Phunk today. With sha, Munirah and Lili(i dun know them yet). I just wanna party my ass off. Maybe asking Vila along, she said she wanted to come anyway.So let's party girls.Life's too short anyway. O bar reminds me of Ab. Sigh, that fucker! Something bad happened. Hope he dies.

Digressing again siah. Oh yeah, i would like to take this opportunity to wish my darling bib a HAppy EIGHTEEN b'day! Not fair, i want to be 18!!! Cibai kiak. Anyway,

Happy birthday my koochie poo. muax.

Tomorrow we go Sentosa k?

I want my digicam.*sob!