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Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Sometimes i amaze myself.Someone who seem to really like me for who i am, someone who does not use our freedom to exploit me, someone willing to scream watching The Maid with me and his cousins. Someone who wants to savour the moment in Bali with me instead of anyone else. He admits that he never missed people easily but he does to me. He is someone who does not say out his feelings very well. But he does to me. I trust that cause i can see it in him.
Instead of just going with the flow, i'd rather get paranoid myself. Think about the mix of feelings both of us is feeling. This relationship is complicated. Both does not want anything to happen. To pretend that life would be the same but we know something's have changed. No matter hoe hard we try not to message each other, something inside us bugs us to sms the other akwardly, when it is obvious we just miss each other. Ab, you are special to me but i dun think i want anything like that soon and i dun want to put you through it either. Life is just messed up now. I know it may be like giving up a catch but i am so scared that i dun want to go on but why am i still going?
And family-wise i am screwed up. I am a psychopath. I hate life so much, i want to run away..to cry and not stop. Why Mummy, do you really hate me? Do you really think i am a jinx? Daddy, do you really care? you are not even my real dad.So you work your ass off for me? Or is it just for your son? Sis, have you ever stopped to see the hurt in your baby sister's eyes? The only thing i am grateful to you motherfuckers for is my brother. From the bottom of my heart, i hate you.I hate you so much. There i said it.
Mama, are you going with them too? Don't leave me.You have always been with me. Don't push me to the ledge. I might never come back.
Pls, i feel so alone.I feel so helpless. Everything's wrong. People pointing accusing fingers at me. Stop it, dun judge me. i am not happy.i said it.
so sue me.